We tend to go through life like hamsters, running on our wheels and thinking that maybe, maybe, MAYBE, we’ll get there tomorrow.

Or the next day, or the next day!

If we just keep running, chasing, reaching, clawing, grabbing… maybe we’ll get there soon, maybe we’ll finally get to happiness or to whatever it is that we’re looking for.

But maybe we won’t.

Maybe we can’t ever get ANYWHERE, because the wheel never really stops spinning, and the endpoint wasn’t really what we were looking for, anyhow.

And maybe– maybe we don’t have to. 

Maybe we don’t have to get anywhere else, because maybe what we’re looking for is already here, and we’re already doing it and we already have it.

Maybe we’re running on the wheel simply to enjoy its shaky but constant rhythm and the strangely melodic squeakiness that emits as we scamper through the night.

Maybe we’re running on the wheel to experience the pure joy that zips through our little hamster legs as we run our little hamster hearts out.

Maybe we’re not running to get anywhere, because maybe we’re already here, and maybe THIS is already it.

Just as a reminder that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When feeling suicidal, you forget the reality that so many people love you and that by taking your life, you would be ruining theirs. 

Your family needs you. Your friends need you. The world needs you.

You need to question where the emptiness is stemming from. What is it that you need to feel whole? What need to you have that isn’t being met?

Also, did something happen recently that triggered your feeling suicidal? Or has it been a series of events that led up to you how you feel? 

It’s important to ask these questions so that you can get to the underlying issue behind wanting to end your life.

I know how much pain you’re in. I know that you’re hurting and it feels like this will never end. But you need to know that things CAN and WILL get better. They always have for me, and they can for you too, if you remain patient and don’t give up. You can’t give up just because things are hard. Change is always happening. You need to have faith. You’re so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t let these temporary feelings rob you of your family, opportunities, happiness, and future experiences. 

I know how hard it can be to find the right therapist and I know how discouraging it is when you aren’t able to make a good connection with one. You need to have patience. There are so many therapists out there. It may be hard to fit the right fit, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Don’t give up before you find someone who can really help you.

Here are some things I did when I felt suicidal:

1. I reached out and let people know.

Keeping how you feel a secret is so dangerous because all it does is isolate you and prevents people from helping. I told my family and my therapist. And when I did, it kind of held me accountable. Taking my life was so much harder after I had shared how I felt. It took some of the power away from the suicidal urge.

2. I didn’t let myself be alone.

I surrounded myself with positive people. I asked them to just sit with me and not let me be by myself. I asked them to distract me and hug me and hold me while I cried and tell me they loved me. All I needed was someone to be with me. And it helped. It didn’t make the feeling that I wanted to die go away, but it helped. 

3. I made a list of reasons to live and people I needed to live for.

4. I made a list of consequences that would result from me taking my life.

Things on my list included: my family would be devastated and broken, my grandmother would probably die from heartbreak, I would never be able to achieve my dreams, I would never travel the world, meet new people, and go on adventures. I would miss out on so much. And I realized that the possibilities of all I could experience were more important to me than taking my life.

5. I made a list of pleasant and empowering events and interactions that made me feel happy and loved and hopeful. 

Ultimately, if you are feeling certain that you’re going to hurt yourself, you need to call 911 and get support. Help is out there if you give yourself permission to get it.

I have been in your place, and I want you to know, again, that things can and will get better. They have for me. They have for so many other people. You are no exception to that.

I’m sending you so, so much love and strength,

Please, please hold on.

You are not alone (& you never have been).

You matter – you matter deeply, tremendously, unimaginably.

Without you, the world would be incomplete.

Even if you can only come to know this with the smallest, tiniest piece of your being – even with just the thinnest thread of who you are – grab hold of it as tightly as you can.

Even if you feel you have no strength left, grab ahold now, and even if it takes everything inside of you, please don’t let go. Promise me you’ll stay, if only to prove that things can change, that the world doesn’t have to be this way, to prove the insanity of the world WRONG.